A very personal post from me to you.

I hate it when I’m reminded that you exist and I hate that fact and just want every single one of you to suffer for all the shit you put me through.

I may be a little bitch but that does not mean I deserve to be bullied, beaten, tormented, threatened, laughed at, anonymously insulted. I especially don’t deserve shit after I’ve washed my hands of you. Fuck it, I am a good person, I am loyal, I put up with a hell of a lot from people and maybe it is the smallest thing that breaks that but I am sure as hell not going back on my decision.

I know you never thought I would move on but I have. I’ve woken up, smelled the fresh morning air and I fucking like it like this. I will never again go back to being that person. I will never go crawling back, I will never say sorry because whatever I did wrong, you did wrong too. This isn’t just one person this is the whole fucking lot.

You wanted me to feel alone, people reached out to me. You wanted to destroy me, I built myself up, with the help of my loved ones.

So a great big FUCK YOU to everyone who’s ever treated me like shit. I deserve better. You wouldn’t even recognise me anymore, that’s the sad thing. Not that you ever really knew me then.

I don't care what you think about this. I can say what I like. You most certainly did.

The Perfect Man

I know, I know - the perfect man does not exist. But if he did, I'm pretty sure this would be him.





"You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon."

Another On Body Image

I have just got round to reading Charlotte's last post, and she is (as always) so right. She is a fucking beauty.

Now, I would love to say I have the same confidence in the way I look as she does, but unfortunately I'm the complete opposite. I am 2 or 3 sizes bigger than I would like to be, am covered in the most hideous stretch marks, and my skin (which for most of my teenage years was so perfect) is rebelling against me.

Not a day goes by when I don't notice every single one of my imperfections. But then, 99% of the time when I look in the mirror, I am happy at what I see. Sure, I think "just lose a few pounds", and I don't think I can ever be as happy in my size as Charlotte is. But it does not stop me being a happy, confident person. I rarely, if ever, leave the house without makeup. This does not make me vain; it means that I am human. Everyone will agree that it is nicer to look at things (or people) which are more 'aesthetically pleasing', and I know that if I put on some foundation and mascara, I look better. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look better, and although I do it for other people, I also do it for me - I do not feel ready for the day if I am not made up a bit.

Despite my insecurities, I pretty much love the way I look. When I have made an effort, I can look in the mirror and like what I see. I would love to lose a bit of weight, but it's not the end of the world if I don't. I know that if I was a size 8, I would be too scared to eat in case I got bigger, and I enjoy not having to worry about that. I give my body what it needs; if I eat a bit too much junk food in a short space of time, my body craves fruit and veg, and real food, so that's what I eat. If I fancy a biscuit with my cup of tea, I will have one. Because life is too short to worry about the calorie intake.

A rant on body image. Mine specifically.

Let’s start with what you already know.
I’m a 19 year old dreamer, artist, joker, crazy cat lady, loving auntie, loyal friend... et cetera.

I’m also short.

I’m also fat.

I also could not care less what you think about that. I’m not writing that so people can leap to say “oh no no no, you aren’t fat.” Because I’m not insulting myself – I am fat, chubby, curvy, rubenesque, whatever you’d like to say.

I am not a bad person because of it, and I am not a bad person for being comfortable in my own skin. I have been, in the past. Because people made me feel that way. People still try to. I still have days when I think, oh fuck, I’m gross. Because I’m human.

But I don’t have to feel that way. No-one does.

Teenage Crazy

In thirty minutes, I turn 20. My teenage years have had their ups and downs, just like everyone else's, but all in all I've enjoyed them. However, as of tomorrow, I'm sure I'm supposed to be a grown up. So here it goes; I am getting all of my teenage crazy out in one long, rambling post. ENJOY!

I have loved the same boy since I was 15 years old. First impressions, luckily, mean very little, because the first time I met him he was horrid to me. Luckily, things soon changed. Unluckily, our timing has never been right. At first he was a crush, and it was only when he moved away to university that I realised that it might be something more. When he came home for the summer, we got to know each other all over again. My heart was set on him moving back home when he graduated, but this is not the place for him to be and so he will always be my long-distance friend. We can go such long periods of time without talking that I can't say "I don't know what I'd do without him", because in all honesty nothing would change. Except there would be a massive gap where he used to be, and therefore I hope I never lose him. I've accepted now that although I love him with all my heart, it was never meant to be between us. But him being back in my life the past couple of months they way he has been is a blessing for which I am so grateful, and I hope we carry on this way, because I need him in my life now more than ever.

One of the most gut-wrenching things to happen to me as a teenager was the loss of one of my closest friends. Even now, nearly five years on, I find it hard to talk about her, but I know I must because otherwise I will never even begin to get over it. And I haven't; every day I am reminded that my beautiful friend isn't here any more. I know there were a lot of people who didn't think she was any good for me, but they didn't know the real her. The 'bad influence' didn't exist; she looked out for me in a way that no one else did, or has since. I have spent a lot of time dealing with the fact that I should have been there, and that if I had been then things would be different. I don't blame myself any more because I can't change a thing; instead, I know now that I was lucky to have her in my life, and that my life has been made so much better by her being in it. I love her eternally.

It has only been recently that I have begun to question who I really am. I have changed so much just in the last year that I feel unrecognisable. It's not just the way I look (hair dye is not that dramatic!) but who I have become. I am happy so often that I tend to forget that there are people who aren't always happy, and who have real problems. But I try my best to be a good friend to those around me, and I hope that is enough. I have become so much more confident in myself, which I suppose is the result of being at university and doing my job; I am forced to interact and so might as well enjoy it! But sadly, I have changed in ways I never hoped I would. I became the 'other woman', something I hate myself for. I can't help who I fell in love with, but the honest truth is that I did fall in love with the wrong guy, and I did pursue a relationship which I should not have. I have always tried to do the right thing; I encouraged him to try to fix his relationship because I know that deep down he is not a guy who can cheat and not be affected by it. His girlfriend did not feel the same; she threw away their relationship because as it turns out, she was cheating on him too. And now I am stuck in some sort of limbo waiting for him to get over her and to see if he still wants me. Which sounds pathetic really; but I promise, he is worth it. Despite everything he is one of the good guys. I cannot wait for him forever, but I will give him time to sort out his head and then pray to God that me and him can finally be together. Until then, I just hope is his happy, because whether he is with me or not, I really just want him to smile again.

My poem for Kerrie.

I wrote this for her a little while ago. See, I said she was sunshine personified, and I mean it. She's just about the sparkliest and warmest people you'll ever meet. She's intelligent and kind, and she will be there for you no matter what.

So a dedication to Kerrie.

you are my open book,
my pure of heart,
my forever childhood
with grazed knees and inky hands.
I’m not going anywhere,
will never turn away.
fate will work in strange ways.
won’t you turn your face from fear of being hated,
up into the sunlight,
you are loved.
proud and blessed am I to be
but a small part of your life

My Most Important People

I don't think I will ever love anybody as much as I love my mum. She's not perfect, no one is, but she's about as close as anyone could get. We don't always get on, but we do most the time, and most the time she is my best friend. I can talk to her about anything. No one can beat her.My dad is pretty great too. We have the same stupid sense of humour, and neither of us will ever grow up. He is the person I am most like.

My brothers are so different you would not know they are related. But I am the link between them; Jake and I both love silly films and trivia, and I have always looked up to him. Jamie is my baby, I look out for him but he looks out for me too. They are both amazing.

Carly might as well be my sister, except she is more like my air - I really cannot live without her. She has been there for me longer than any other person has and I can never thank her enough for that. She is everything to me.

I have known Sally since we were 11 years old and she is one of the most amazing people I have ever known. She is so positive, the life and soul of any party, and I can tell her anything. She makes any day so much better.

I don't even know where to start with Charlotte. She is the most beautiful person, inside and out. She feels about ten times more than anyone else, she is so passionate about life and art and writing, and she is my inspiration, in life and in everything.

Marie & Jess, although I have not been friends with them for a particularly long time, are so important to me. Marie has always been around but it's only been lately that she's become a best friend. She puts up with all my rubbish and is doing the most wonderful thing in the world; she is going to be a great mum. I haven't known Jess very long at all but as soon as we got talking, I realised just how alike we are. She puts up with a lot from me too and I can't thank her enough! Once upon a time she was just my friend's girlfriend - now she is one of my best friends.

Rich is the most perfect man, and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I hate that he's so far away, but we talk all the time and he means so much to me. The girl he ends up with will be the luckiest girl in the world, because beneath his cool and anarchic exterior, he has a heart of gold.

Last, but by no means least, is Si. I could not cope without him. Some people might think I don't need him in my life; well tough, because I do. He is lovely, and deserves so much better than what he's been put through lately. He has made my life better just by being in it.