My Reasons To Live.

My reason to live is probably life itself. Let me explain. I'm 19 years old, just a kid. But there's been a lot of things happening in my life.

When I was 2 years old my mum walked out, leaving my dad to raise me. Not that she wanted nothing to do with me, they were just not right for one another. Which brings me to my first reason to live: My dad. He's my hero. He raised me so damn well. He's an older dad and was thrilled at the fact that I existed. Then he had me on his own, with a business to run. He was scared. But over the years his unfailing love and support and belief in me has been a beacon, and we've held each other up through tough times.

My second, therefore is my Mum. I haven't lived with her in years but she is the light in the lighthouse. Though she's pretty downtrodden by life and lives by the book, in her heart is this flame that never goes out. She writes, she takes beautiful photos, and she is so caring. She might not be right by people's ideals. But I completely respect her decision to leave, and I think it's better because how many people get to have their mum as a best friend?

This leads me on to my third. Without my parents breaking up, I would never have my fantastic stepmother, or my siblings, nephews or nieces.

Marilyn is this fantastic character, and to me she isn't relegated to stepmum. I have three parents. Each of them different, each of them a giant influence on me, each of them amazing. She has lived this fantastic life and for the life of me I can't work out where she gets her zest from. She's sarcastic, but she's so warm. I've probably spent more time with her than my "blood" parents cumulatively, because she's just always been there. And I couldn't thank her more.

Because of all this, I bring you to my siblings. I'm closest to Debbie, but getting closer to Angie and Steve too.

Debbie is a lot like me, and a lot like her mum. She's a hopeless romantic, hilarious, loves Twilight and cricket and WWE and Harry Potter. For her a guilty pleasure has no guilt because she's just so open to liking things. I've relied on her a lot. She's grown up a lot and I'm trying to follow suit. She makes me smile.

I wasn't always close with Steve because he's a smelly boy. But really I'm going to miss him so much when he moves out. He moved back in after a lot of crap; and we've been subjected to his rave music, him always being in the shower, him walking around in his pants. And I can't imagine my house any other way. We have our silly chats, our pretend arguments. But he's my big brother and I love him.

Angie's a bit different because she's never lived at home whilst I've been around. But she's so lovely and kind and warm. She has a wicked sense of humour and loves to have fun. I spent time with just her, no husband or sons, for the first time in a long time last weekend, and it was great. I'm so pleased to have these lovely people in my life.

Debbie's husband is pretty special too. He's just like another brother, as he's been there for as long as I can remember. He's goofy but he's kind and we just basically like to piss each other off. It's great.

My 2 sisters have given me nephews and nieces to live for. Angie has 2 sons, and I remember being so proud when Josh was born - I was 9 years old and it blew my mind that I was an auntie. Now he's growing up, he's 9 himself now and he's amazing. So is George, his little brother. They are both such sweet kids, it doesn't matter when they act up, hide from cuddles... I love them.

Debbie has 2 daughters who are both fascinating too. Kirsten is a regular little madam, she is 5 and has a sense of humour, knows how to read people and is such good company. Elisha is a complete darling too, she's only 2 and is having full conversations, making intelligent observations.

Seeing these four beautiful humans grow up has been an absolute privilege and I am so proud to be their auntie.

My grandparents, alive and parted. Tom and Ivy were my paternal grandparents, commemorated in my first tattoo. I never knew Ivy but I've been told I'm just like her. I knew Tom. We weren't particularly close but he was my family, and I regret that it was only in his passing that I got to know who he really was. He used to tell stories but I never knew about his youth, his upbringing - anything. Until Dad's eulogy. He passed on Halloween, when I was in Italy. His funeral was on Remembrance day, hence my poppy tattoo.

Joan is my step-nan. I've lived with her for the past 4ish years. She's hilarious. I love her to pieces. We get at each other, she gets on my nerves. But she's such a lovely, generous woman. I forget her age sometimes - she's 89. Absolutely brilliant.

My maternal grandparents are the human equivalent of a cardigan and a cable knit jumper. Granny, in my life, has always been knitted, and strong willed, and baking, and doing gentle gardening when not sitting in with a cat on her lap. She's got a wicked laugh, I'll tell you that, but she is overall quite the knitted cardigan. Grandad is a cable knit jumper, a simple, gentle, gnarled hands, smiling, funny man, who would do anything for his family. He likes his garden, he likes bird watching, he likes walking.

My mum's brother Matt is a pretty lovely man too. From a young age he's fueled my addiction to books. He let me play with his model cars, even though I probably broke them. He's very much like his dad, in that he just wants people to be happy (because it's quieter that way). He's quietly accepting, very perceptive. And I think our brains are wired pretty similarly.

My friends. Do you know what, screw the past. I had friends that I thought would be there forever. Turns out not, but I'm ok with that.

3 lovely girls were there throughout my Primary school years. We were the Fearsome Foursome. We lost contact throughout the majority of Secondary school, but now we're getting back together and this makes me so damn happy. The girl I started this blog with, Kerrie - she's basically sunshine personified. Harriet is ridiculously clever and independent. And Becky, I'm still getting to know her again but she's the same bubbly, sweet girl I always loved.

Some secondary friends are still around. Razan, mainly. Even though she moved away, even though we lost contact. I feel like there is nothing I can't say to her. She is a stormy sea under the midnight sky. Having gone through so much. She is so loyal, so brainy.

Amy... I can't describe how much she's helped me. Just being there, through a whole ton of shit. Distracting me with her own more important problems. Terrifying me when shit happens to her. She's a nightmare, a plague, a nightmare about a plague. This girl, I just want the best for.

Then there's Louise, who I just adore. She's fantastic and strong. Fiercely intelligent, fiercely loyal. Chellie, who is pink and funny and endlessly kind. Vishika, my facebook wife, a dizzy pharm student who I worked with at a call centre.

There are just so many others, it's unreal.

To think that I ever felt alone, that I ever thought that I could be beaten - it's utterly preposterous. I am so lucky.

So. Damn. Lucky.

This has been an essay on PEOPLE I LOVE. In conclusion, I LOVE EVERYONE and don't get me started on animals or food or musicians.